Someone recently shared something with me that irked me. (Yes, I said irked.) She told me that a new love interest of hers had been regularly saying cruel things to her. One of her friends had witnessed this and even commented to her about it. Their comment went something like this:

“Yes, I’ve noticed that he says unkind things to you. That’s verbal abuse. But he really does love you.” 

Goodness gracious! Really? This is not the first time I’ve heard someone express such a comment. This time, however, it hit me differently. I was irked! I had finally heard this type of thing one too many times. 

So I began contemplating it. Why would anyone express unkindness to someone they love? Either there is heartlessness or there is love, right? The two cannot exist together, can they? Sure, none of us is perfect and have said things we regret and hopefully have immediately apologized for. What I’m speaking of is the overarching character of a person’s behavior toward someone else. Is it possible for anyone to regularly treat someone badly and love them at the same time?

In the midst of my contemplation, I went to God with it. He brought to mind 1 Corinthians 13. So I grabbed my Bible and began focusing on verses 4-8a: “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.”

For the first time, I read this in a new way. I noticed there were several things that give an account of what love is NOT. This scripture is straightforward in relaying the concepts of all that love IS, such as patient and kind, truthful and trustworthy, protective, hopeful, and persevering. Notice, though, it also reveals the behaviors that are NOT love. 

According to this scripture, I notice 7 traits of what love is not. (Included is my interpretation of what the opposite of that might look like):

1.  If love does NOT envy, then celebrating and encouraging others IS love. 

2.  If love does NOT boast and is NOT proud, then remaining humble and respectful IS love. 

3.  If love does NOT dishonor, then speaking to and about others in an honorable way IS love. 

4.  If love is NOT self-seeking, then putting the needs of others before your own IS love. 

5.  If love is NOT easily angered, then taking in a deep breath while crying out to God for help in tense moments before calmly speaking IS love. 

6.  If love keeps NO record of wrongs, then repentance and forgiveness amid wrongdoings IS love. 

7.  If love does NOT delight in evil, then sharing the good news of God and trying to emulate Him IS love. 

I see no mention of heartless behaviors co-existing with love. That’s the point. There is either a display of love, or there is not. How much time has been wasted in our lives trying to defend ongoing bad behavior toward us? Also, how much time has been spent trying to defend bad behavior we have projected on others? Ouch. That one stung a little. 

Maybe it’s not enough to only focus on what love IS. Shouldn’t we also challenge ourselves to consider what love is NOT, so that we have a wider perspective of such a vitally important part of truly living life in community with others. Love is an essential part of a fulfilling life. It’s an opportunity for us to reach within our soul, bring to surface all the best qualities we can gather, then heap them lavishly and creatively on others. It’s also an opportunity to be mindful of and thankful for those moments when such a gracious gift is reciprocated.

Pray with me: Father, You are love. Thank you for loving me like you do. I am only able to love because You first loved me. Show me all the times I am not displaying love so that I can turn back and head in the direction that is pleasing to You. And please teach me how to truly be loving to those around me because my greatest desire is to be like You. Remind me always that love never fails. I love You. Amen.